Today I woke up heavy hearted. At first the only word to describe how I felt was sad. Well this heavy heartedness I’ve woken up with many times before. Even when I’ve felt like I’ve had at it all. The first thing that came up to mind with this feeling was to flee. Leave my job, my home and move away. But realistically I couldn’t do any of this. I have children who need me and rely on my income so that wasn’t really an option. Today I felt like I had to overcome this feeling. I prayed to God and thanked him for my life, everything I have including my children. I thanked him for my experiences and the life I have although at this moment everything happening in it is not where I choose to be. I told my friend I woke up this way and she said it could be related to my separation but it’s not. This heavy heartedness has been with me my whole life. Some days it resurfaces more than others. Spending time with myself has been important to me but the conversations I’ve had with my sister has helped me beyond words. These conversations weren’t about making me feel better but about how we should normalize a lot of things such as mental health. She is nonjudgmental, kind and caring. She’s breaking barriers I’ve had my whole life due to being raised in a close-minded environment. She’s fought with my mom about getting her to stop saying “it’ll go away and don’t think about it”. She doesn’t know she has helped me come to acknowledge my past traumas and fears. She’s my younger sister and has given me so much comfort in the things she has said. Today she said it doesn’t matter what class or level you have in life because if you’re a bad/hurt person it’ll eventually be a reflection of how you treat others around you. I have been a horrible person to those who have wanted to love me because I’ve let my past traumas take a hold of my life.
I used to undervalue the meaning of do not let your abuser take control of your life. I didn’t fully understand the meaning behind it because I thought I had acknowledged my past basically by putting it in the backburner and not thinking about it consciously. But the way I lived was controlled by my abuser. I came to these conclusions today. I never fully acknowledged my problem because I didn’t want to hurt my mother’s feelings and make her feel like a bad mother. My mother somehow makes it about her and how she’s not a bad mother. But that’s a whole different issue. She has past traumas that have also consumed her and have affected her unknowingly.
I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, didn’t want anyone to pity me. Also, society has yet to accept sexual abuse and acknowledge its victims and find comfort in victim blaming. Some people really don’t understand unless it has happened to them. I hate to put it that way, but the severity of sexual abuse is so powerful I am just realizing the power it has had over me. I could tell you in so many ways how it wasn’t my fault. Like I was 5 maybe but that doesn’t matter. The point is I don’t have to justify why I am a victim. I don’t like the word victim either because they’ve given it such a bad stigma. I’ve rolled with the punches my whole life trying to accept my life and the way I’ve felt for so long. This has caused me to feel alone and misunderstood. Almost as if I didn’t belong here. But, the power of acknowledging my past trauma has brought me to understand why I wouldn’t belong here when God has given others who have never been hurt and those hurt to still live and be HERE. I wake up every day just like other privileged people do. I do belong here. I am understood because I now understand myself. This has given me so much power and brought a lot of happiness and closure into my life. Acknowledging I need counseling today made me understand why I even needed it. I told my ex I’m getting counseling and immediately it’s what’s wrong with you. What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with me is I’ve given my past traumas live my life. I’m sure people will probably say well I knew you needed counseling, but why not offer it or normalize it! Did people alongside me know I wasn’t fully living my life and complicit to it? But even if someone brought it up to me, I’d never fully accept it because I wasn’t fully willing to accept it without feeling insulted. I needed to realize it for myself. I needed me to acknowledge this problem and put an end to it. I know this problem cannot be solved overnight but I have found so much power and happiness in finally believing/knowing I do belong here. I just needed some help.
The reason I told my ex I need counseling was because I’ve caused a lot of hurt to my loved ones including him. I have let my past traumas make me feel insecure, unsafe, and uneasy. I have experienced angriness and uneasiness my whole life making it unbearable to my loved ones. I never spoke about it to my ex because he would get uncomfortable by the whole situation. So, I turned it off. If it made him uncomfortable, I don’t know how he thinks it has made me feel my whole life. After my separation with my husband I’ve been trying “to do me”. But I didn’t know what that really meant. I searched deep within me and God/Universe/Angels have talked to me through this whole process. I thought I was really looking within me, but I was only scratching through the surface. Today I did not let this heavy heartedness ruin me. Instead I gave it to God and prayed the whole time. When I found the root to my problem it felt like I had found the cure to some severe illness, almost like the lotto ticket. I cried as I got ready for work and took care of my son. I didn’t know how hurt I was and how this has consumed me my whole life. I felt happiness in knowing I am going to find ways in not letting my past traumas make me who I am or ruin the relationship with my loved ones. I don’t want these traumas to keep me from being a good mother to my kids simply because “I don’t understand their problems” or “they’ve had it easy and I’ve had it worse”. I want to be here for my kids in every single way possible and not let my traumas/fears keep them from doing what they want. I look at my kids and they’re constantly laughing and smiling, and it warms my heart almost to the point of tears. It brings me to tears that they are happy because they have no idea how hard I have battled my whole life to find stable happiness. This whole time I wasn’t living my life.
I have let my past traumas make me be less likeable to keep people from seeing me as a “target”. When I was younger, I wore lose clothing and was a tom boy for so long in order to avoid being “sexualized”. In order to avoid being molested or raped. How horrible to think your whole life you’ve been living to avoid rape. Not murder, battery or assault but rape. To think I can’t go here because I could be raped here, and my safety is compromised. Although, as I got older, I became more confident in myself, my relationships always suffered because I couldn’t take compliments from partners and hated my body. I was ashamed and felt uncomfortable about my body because every inch might reveal my abuse. This made intimacy hard sometimes and so much I wanted to not feel the way I did but I did, and I let it affect me. I ran from relationships and loved ones. I didn’t want to be loved I guess I didn’t love myself the way I said I did. I didn’t want to love this body that had been abused and therefore didn’t allow anyone to love me. And if they did, I pushed them away or “they didn’t love me the right way”. But how is anyone supposed to love me if I had yet accepted my past. Today, I found the courage to tell my ex I know what’s wrong with me. I didn’t know this separation and time alone was going to help look within me. When my separation happened all, I felt in my gut was this is meant to be. This was meant to happen to me. But I thought it’d be because I’d gain more wisdom on how to become a “better person” or “wise”. But how was I supposed to be a better person if I had not been kind to myself, my body or my loved ones. This “punishment” that made me feel like a failure for failing my marriage has brought me so much clarity about going within. After my separation I silenced my phone so “my son wouldn’t get woken up” but, it was also to silence the people around me who wanted to help me, love me and support me. I placed my phone on silence, but I had also silenced my life until I woke up with the same heavy heartedness, I had woken up with multiple times through out my life. I can’t say sorry to those whom I have hurt but I can choose to be loving to myself in order to fully love others. My children need a mother who doesn’t want to damage them simply because I have not found closure to my past traumas. I want to be welcoming to them, I always want open arms when It comes to them. There is no shame in your past. My toddler one day was laughing uncontrollably for no reason one day and she said, “mom I can’t stop laughing”. I told her don’t stop, laughing only means you’re happy, it’s good to feel like this. I want to be like her. My kids’ happiness, lovingness, and kindness has helped me self-love. They’ll never know how much they’ve helped me overcome my worst battles. I want to help them overcome their battles and not let my past make me unavailable or less understanding.
When I was younger, I use to be so happy. I felt like I’d radiate happiness. This radiation attracted people who’d only come to damage me. This spark in me dimmed through out my life. It was always on and off. I want to be that happy again. I want to radiate with happiness. I want stability in my happiness. I am so happy to finally acknowledge that my abuse no longer controls me. I see the problem and want to fix it day by day and not let it conflict me anymore. I have found happiness in finding this. This has helped me awaken…I feel like I’ve been reborn again. It feels like a new breath of life that I found within me.
